I Hate Smartphones

I've always maintained that the telephone has to be the worst invention humanity has yet devised. There's just something inherently intrusive and dehumanising about it; that at any moment you might be interrupted by the jarring ringing of the phone, demanding that you take part of some sort of pitiful excuse for an interaction with a fellow human being. Second to instant messaging, speaking in the phone is probably the worst way people can interact with each other - separated by distance, with no face-to-face contact, no ability to pick up on the subtle cues of body language or other forms of non-verbal communication.



And now phones have become even worse, thanks to the proliferation of the particular techno-plague that is smartphones. I can't think of another invention that encapsulates everything that is wrong with our modern civilisation:

Corporate Avarice: Telecommunications companies are some of the greediest entities in existence. Trying to select a smartphone plan is a futile endeavour of avoiding in the inevitable "Gotcha!" of hidden fees and extra charges. We're talking about companies who see absolutely nothing wrong with charging people for passively receiving messages.

Endless Waste: Western civilisation is ridiculously wasteful, in that we're constantly buying new things, then throwing them out a few years later to buy newer versions of those things, even though the old ones were still perfectly fine. Smartphone lineups change so often that you're pretty much forced to buy a new one every few years; there's been a new iPhone every year since the damned thing was first unveiled. What a complete waste of money and resources.

Endless Work: Our society considers the "good life" to be an endless treadmill of work and consumption, and now with the technology of smartphones in our hands, those things can spread their tendrils throughout all aspects of our lives. What is a smartphone but an electronic leash that your boss can use to make you work at all hours of the day?

Degradation of Social Interaction: Anyone who's ever been around a smartphone user knows that people just can't leave the fucking things alone for more than a minute! They're constantly plinking away at them like lab rats pushing a button to get the food pellet, completely oblivious to the world around them. Just last Christmas, we had a family member over for dinner, who proceeded to spend most of his time endlessly checking Facebook on his Android phone, while his wife spent all of her time playing some vacuous, idiotic smartphone game like Coin Dozer. I had to fight the urge just to grab the things out of their hands and smash them against the nearest wall.

Another time I was at a local cafe and saw three youths seated next to me, all of whom had gathered for the ostensible purpose of having coffee together, but instead they all chose to sit in silence, staring at their bloody smartphones! Then why the hell did you even get together in the first place, you twats? Is this how social interaction is going to be in the 21st century? Just staring at a little screen while on the go, and staring at a larger screen when we're at home? If that's the case, just bring on the nuclear apocalypse. Please.

Here's an idea: the next time you and your friends go out for dinner, have everyone stack their phones in the middle of the table. The first person who reaches for his phone pays the bill for everyone. I guarantee you this will result in a marked improvement in your social interaction.